


Sparks of Light

by kettlepillow



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Army, BAMF John Watson, Bisexual John, Doctor John, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Sexual Content, Feelings, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, John Watson in Afghanistan, Lapdance, M/M, Mild Gore, Minor Character Death, Requited Love, Stripper John, before Sherlock, comrades to lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-15
Updated: 2015-09-15
Packaged: 2018-04-20 23:57:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4807148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kettlepillow/pseuds/kettlepillow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John's last week in Kandahar changes his life forever. It all starts with a lap dance.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sparks of Light

**Author's Note:**

> No beta.  
> Please excuse any inaccuracies regarding the military or Afghanistan.

 

[Beautiful art for Sparks of Light by Archia](http://theanisplanet.tumblr.com/post/131483382769/you-defeated-the-darkness-scene-from-sparks-of)

 

It was late afternoon when John Watson returned from the field hospital. Dust crunched under his soles and the Afghan sun bathed his surroundings in copper.  
Despite the fact that this was an army base, nothing hinted at unrest or danger. John craved those few moments of bliss each day after duty.  
“John!” came a voice from behind him.  
“Hey David!” He greeted the soldier coming closer. “What is it?”  
Rubbing his neck the younger man looked down. “Listen. I was wondering if you maybe changed your mind about the talent show thing. You know, the one we talked about, for those who are leaving...”  
John let out a sigh. “I told several people that I don’t want to be remembered for juggling...or whatever. Because I really don’t have any outstanding talents.”  
“Apart from saving people’s life on a regular basis, of course.” Came the sarcastic reply.  
John laughed:” Oh, so you were planning to shoot someone whom I could save then?”  
“Err... Actually some guys remembered you telling this story about what you did to pay your rent back in medical school.”  
John stared at David who started fidgeting.  
“What?”

“I hate to break it to you mate, but your stripper backstory left a lasting impression on some of them.”  
“You’ve got to be kidding me.”  
“No Sir. They took some long glances at you. And we’re all convinced you’d be a great show act.” He gestured. “You’re in better shape than ever.”  
“Fuck you! You know I’ve been shot!”  
David’s frames relaxed. “Everyone I’ve spoken to thinks the scar looks badass.”  
John snorted: „I learned to play the clarinet as a kid. I’d rather do that than wiggle my ass in front of our commander and the whole unit.”  
“If blowing a phallic object on stage would make your closeted ass more comf-“David’s head hit the barrack wall. John pressed his forearm to the other man’s throat, his gritted teeth close to David’s ear.  
A chatting group of soldiers went by. Both men stilled.

“What. Are you. Trying to achieve. David?”  
Struggling against John’s grip David gasped for air: “I just want you to know that you don’t have to hide who you are as long as you’re here! Comrades do their research man!” David finally managed to free himself as John lowered both arms. He looked like all his dreams had been shattered. “There’s nothing wrong with fishing on both shores... or... You know what I mean.” David looked miserable as well. “I was hoping that if you knew that’s nothing to be ashamed of you’d be in for the stage show. Sorry for testing my limits there.” He gave a shy smile.  
“How?” Whispered John.  
“After your story about working in a strip club the rumours started I suppose. And then the way Sholto eyed you. He doesn’t check you out unless there’s a chance. I don’t think he’d mind you moving your body...” David looked over his shoulder nervously.  
“Sholto eyed me?”  
“God, John. Where you blindfolded for the last month or..? How can you possible not know? Especially after what that one cadet told us.”  
“What? That Sholto fucked him? He was completely pissed and frustrated when he told that story, Dave!” John teared his hair. He couldn’t wrap his head around how he’d gotten to this point. And why did David know all these things?  
“Yes. The next week he left forever.” Said David tonelessly.  
John pinched the bridge of his nose.  
“Listen mate. All your leaving brothers in arms are going up that stage. You can do whatever you feel like doing. Or...or nothing at all.” He added quickly. “But as your friend I tell you that a lot of people look up to you. Just do something. Don’t let them down on this silly last request.” David gave John’s unharmed shoulder a pat and left.

Later John sat down in front of his barrack section. Now all light had faded. No clouds were blocking the stars. He could still detect warmth in the earth beneath him. John had pondered over his options. He was a grown man, his insecurities wouldn’t stop him from doing this. David was right. If most of the people in the room knew about what he tried to forget, what was the point of denial? What was the point of not taking part and trying to have some fun after month of trouble?  
Tomorrow was his free day, so he could tell David the exciting news and work on his routine. John grinned to himself involuntarily. He remembered the look on his boss’s face when the young medical student had explained that he was not afraid to include a pole in his performance.

As he stood to go inside, footsteps approached from the opposite side of the building. John froze. That slightly asymmetric walking silhouette. He would’ve recognized that shape on the battlefield as well as in almost complete darkness. John’s heart began to hammer when James Sholto was close enough for him to see the man’s features. He stood in the shadow. Sholto’s injuries had caused a unique scar on one side of his face. The major looked absolutely intimidating as the flame of a lighter flashed over it.

John was fascinated by Sholto. The events of his last mission had injured him and several soldiers were dead. He received death threats from family members and there was not much to look forward to for this man. Yet he hadn’t lost his confidence. Sholto could own a room just with his presence if he wanted. It worked. Now the injured man would leave and return home. Wherever that was…  
To manage a life as a lonely war hero was something John couldn’t bring himself to imagine. As his major walked past him, the doctor felt like stepping out of the shadows for a second. To confront him. Talk to him openly. Not like captain to major. He craved some kind of confession.  
Sholto left his field of view and John dared to breathe.  
Those eyes watched me.  
It felt stupid to even consider the possibility.

 

The doctor repeated his conversation with David over and over, until finally overcome by tiredness he fell asleep.

♠  
John positively kicked the door to their improvised gym open. David looked up from his work on what looked like an actual nail bed.  
“You’re going to kill yourself for a talent show, Dave.”  
“Nah…easy. You just need the right amount of tension in your back and a bit of cheering from the audience. I was thinking about hosting a part of the show on it.”  
“Hah, don’t you talk to me about back tension.” Laughed John.  
David rolled his eyes and set one bare foot on the nails. As he shifted his weight the peaks seemed to bore into the sole. Highly concentrated the young man sat one foot in front of the other and showed John the unharmed underside of his feet since there was no other audience.  
“Did you want something?” Asked he as John clapped extra slowly.  
“I’ll do it.”  
David smiled. “I’m glad.”  
“Yeah. I just don’t know if I’ll manage, since my routines weren’t exactly desert style.” John rubbed his neck. “There was music and” Hesitation. “…a pole and costumes. I’m not so sure-“  
“There’ll be music and I’m sure we’ll find something that a man can swing around. And about the costume. Any kind of uniform is the right choice when you’re in a room full of sexually frustrated soldiers.”  
He winked.  
John gave him an annoyed look. It was their dynamic. John knew his friend was right. There was no excuse left to back out last minute.

♠

The days passed quickly. John’s last week in Kandahar started with the highly anticipated show evening. The responsible comrades had set up a stage in one of the assembly rooms of the largest building. Rows of seats and a sound system completed it.  
A section behind the stage was closed for the show acts. They hadn’t had time to rehears this properly, so all they did was waiting to be called up on stage.  
John was nervous. Why was he nervous? He had survived war. It was illogical. Yet he thought of the audience’s reactions and felt like quitting once again.  
This was what they would remember: John in a tight shirt, breeches, boots and a beret.  
A heavy smell of sweat filled the backstage area. There were several singers, a guitarist, a comedian and two magicians under his performing comrades. All of them shot John a knowing look now and then.  
“You going back into your old business after the army, then?” asked Brian, a huge man with a huge smile.  
John laughed fluttery.  
“I don’t think I would make enough money to survive.”  
“I dunno man. I heard you were quite good back then.”  
“What about you? Becoming the next Houdini? I heard you’re quite good at disappearing with ladies.”

Their laughter made some of the tension melt off John, only in time for his name to be called.

David was hosting the show and barely able to contain his excitement. John rolled his eyes as the younger man announced him with a high pitched voice.  
Brian winked. The audience cheered.  
John took a deep breath.

 

The stage was completely dark. A heavy dubstep remix started playing as John stepped on stage. He couldn’t see the audience. A single spotlight highlighted the pole in the very center. John wondered where they’d found a stripper pole.  
As the spotlight went off in time with the bass drop there was complete silence except for John’s heavy steps as he positioned himself.  
Another beat like the sound of a beating heart and the spotlight flashed on over John.  
Someone whistled.

Head down the doctor stood in parade’s rest, his beret worn low so that the shadow reached for everything but his smug grin.  
His dog tags reflected the bright light and adrenaline tingled in his veins.  
John flexed his pectoral muscles twice like a stallion chomping at the bit in time with the beat. One arm shot to the pole. The lights went off for another second. His unit cheered again as the spotlight’s new focus was on John climbing the pole. His back towards the audience so that his muscles where clearly visible underneath his thin breaches as they clung to the metal. A swirl around the pole and John landed smoothly on one knee close to the stage’s edge.  
Shifting he lowered one foot down to were silhouettes of people reached out as if touching it promised a miracle. Someone’s fingers eagerly opened the laces and when John gave a nod they pulled. The boot was held up like a trophy. As the second foot was offered to the silhouettes beneath John, one of the female soldiers in the front row was the first to grab it. She was almost done when John caressed her with the steel toe and gave the signal to pull.

Suddenly the woman got hold of his wrist and pulled John down with the shoe. He stumbled forward and before John could react in any way, someone pushed him further into the crowd.  
The crowd parted. John could hear the cheers mixed with chatter. He had a feeling he knew what was to come. Staying in his role was essential. The doctor knew what they thought and wanted. He had nothing to lose. Now was the time to deliver.

In the audience middle stood a single chair. The captain searched for his major and found him being pulled towards the chair by a group of four. Sholto reached John and raised one eyebrow, not entirely able to hide his insecurity as the younger man grinned.  
John clicked his bare heels and offered a hand. It had to be done without words. Thankfully Sholto played along and followed him under mad noise from their comrades.  
The blood rushed in his ears as Captain Watson watched the man he admired sit down to await a lap dance.  
John stood behind him letting both gloved hands glide over the man’s broad shoulders and down all the way to his wrists. Taking them he crossed Sholto’s arms behind the back of the chair.  
He took the slightest parting of the man’s legs as a signal and swung his right leg to place one foot between them. As he moved his toes ever so slightly, a short brush against the trousers bulged fabric was inevitable. John couldn’t read the expression on his face. But it surely wasn’t disgust. Running one palm over the inside of his thigh he presented his toned body. Swimming in adrenaline it felt like celebrating his own existence. The younger man smiled as Sholto’s glance flickered downwards. It was the only assurance John needed to climb into his lab.  
For a split second he was certain that no one in the room was breathing.  
The music gave the perfect rhythm as John lowered himself with circling motions, not breaking eye contact. The major’s eyes were dark from the lack of light and, so he hoped, from that kind of arousal you might suffer from in lonesome Afghan nights.  
It was hot.  
John brought one gloved hand to the other man’s lips. To his surprise he found them already parted. John could feel a tender bite into the thin fabric. He let his hands slide out of it and looked at the sweat running over Sholto’s forehead. Taking the glove from between his lips, John dabbed away some beads of sweat. He could see his own flushed reflection in those wide eyes. Captain Watson bit his bottom lip and mustered Sholto. Starting at the long neck, all the way down to the waist and his own legs pressed against him.  
Coming up he gave a last good view of crotch and ass before getting off the Major’s lap in one swift motion.  
John saluted and took a slow nod as the order dismissed.  
Back on stage he set both feet on the ground and lowered himself onto his back, giving his human boot jacks the best view.  
In time with the short beats, John pushed himself out of his trousers by lifting his pelvis in pushing motions, letting the bright red pants flash.  
Once the trousers were gone he rolled backwards and stood. The lights went off for one beat.  
And for a few glorious seconds he held himself in a ninety degree angle from his pole.  
To John’s pleasant surprise the whole room jumped and saluted their *flag*.  
Darkness. Beat. Noise.

 

As John stepped behind the curtain he was instantly surrounded by people.  
Brian bellowed: “A few of you owe me money now!”  
John was still breathing heavily and couldn’t quite process yet that he’d sat in his commander’s lap.  
Someone took a picture.  
“That costume looks sick on you.”  
“Can’t believe you just did that.”  
It went on like that.  
John grabbed a bottle of water and went outside. He needed air and time to think.

 

How could he talk to Sholto ever again without seeing the scene from tonight before his inner eye?  
One last week. Duty would be over. Time would pass. They’d be parted.  
As John rounded the corner a cigarette glowed in the dark.  
Crap. He wanted to be alone.  
The figure had noticed him.

“Watson.”  
Fuck! From all smokers in the British troops.  
“I was just going inside. S-sorry…Sir.”  
He approached.  
“Actually, I should take this opportunity to let you know that it’s all fine. Just in case you were worried about any consequences.” Sholto looked even taller only illuminated by glowing sparks of ash. “I know it wasn’t your own plan to get into close quarters with anyone in the first place.” He let out a laughter. “Those evenings have always been a bit of a blank check.”  
“Well, yes. Thank you, Sir. I apologize, it was absolutely indecent.”  
John felt heat returning to his features. What else was he supposed to say?  
“It was. But I believe everyone approved.”  
“If you say so.”  
“Judging by the people’s reaction. But I can only speak for myself of course. I had a hard…a hard time hiding it.” He took a pull and watched John struggle.

Did he just-?

A nervous high pitched giggle escaped the doctor’s throat: “I’m relieved that the audience’s reaction was this positive. I guess it was one of those once-in-a-lifetime experiences.”  
“If you say so.”  
Silence.  
John inhaled and went inside on wobbly legs.

 

Apparently the show was almost over by now.  
David entered the backstage area and greeted him.  
“Are you all right?” He looked concerned. “The last time you were this flushed we were on a twelve hours march.”  
“Yeah.”  
“Exhausting was it? But you blew their minds!”  
John drank some water.  
“The human flag was. Wow. I knew it would be amazing. And Sholto... Oh my god.”  
“Yeah. Listen, is there anything I can help with or? Otherwise I’m going to bed. I don’t feel well. It really was exhausting.”  
“It’s alright. The orga-team is taking care of the cleanup. Sleep well.”  
“Thank you.”

♠

John woke up to the bomb alarm going off.  
It was still early in the morning. But searchlights swallowed the darkness immediately.  
Someone banged on John’s door. He stumbled out of bed and opened.  
“We suspect short distance. The US basis was their first target. Get out of here!” The soldier quickly made his way to the next section.  
John hurried to leave. Every alarm was different. The instructions depended on their situation. But averting the danger had priority.  
He was afraid to step outside. For the first time he could feel a tremor in his arm. Being aware of danger at all times was something John needed to feel alive by now. The uncertainty was something different.  
He grabbed a breathing mask and left, when suddenly a massive eruption rushed him off his feet.  
His barrack’s wall was blasted. Cowering behind the door he covered his face.  
Thin, burning splinters of wood and metal flew in all directions and cut into the back of his hands.

As John opened his eyes again, dust hung in the air like a thick cloud. Searching for his breathing mask took longer than expected since the floor was covered in his belongings and ashes. There were people shouting, but the doctor heard them like whispers. His ears rang.  
John felt his way through the dust and eventually decided he’d not waste any more time searching.  
David.  
The younger soldier had his room not far away from John’s. They needed to seek shelter and John knew David tended to panic in situations that were less dangerous. Not for the first time the doctor felt responsible for both their lives.  
He ran down the corridor and found David’s door crumbled to pieces. He had a feeling David would’ve ran to John’s room if he’d had the chance… They were like brothers.  
Suddenly it was completely dark. It would take a few moments for the standby generators to provide electricity to the whole base.  
“Dave?”  
Very carefully he climbed over the debris and crumbled door to search for evidence that David had really left without him.  
Bright neon light provided by generators flooded the room.  
On his bed sat David. Eyes wide and perfectly still.  
John rushed towards his young comrade in shock. The wall of his room was blasted too. He was bleeding.  
“Jesus Dave.” John reached for his head.  
The second he touched him, the upper body slowly sank against his chest.  
The back of David’s skull was cracked and crushed like a puzzle.  
“Dave?”

John had seen a lot of injuries. He’d seen dead people and witnessed people die.  
But seeing the brain of his best friend slowly leaving his skull in bloody bits made him feel sick.  
He suppressed his gag reflex and wasn’t ashamed of his body’s weakness. Not this time. He didn’t care for his own life being in danger either at the moment. Nothing mattered.  
David still leant against John’s chest. And of course he was still warm. John felt cold, he was shaking. His shoulder hurt.  
David was dead. It wasn’t logical, but the doctor ripped his shirt to make a bandage for him. The tears made it hard to work as quick as usual. They annoyed him. Slowed him down. Carefully he lifted the young man’s head and closed his eyes. Gone was the shock. Good.  
As he’d finished his work John placed Dave on his bed. Cleaning it as much as possible wasn’t easy, especially since he was still shaking all over. But John needed to know that David was taken care of. He was responsible. John folded his hands and put a blanket on top.

“Sleep well.”

♠

The next time John woke he lay in a field bed.  
It was still hot and he felt miserable. He was relieved that the field hospital was still functioning.  
David.  
He gulped. Why was he alive? Feeling tired wasn’t even an injury! His shoulder hurt, but that was nothing new.  
Someone stepped closer to the bed. It was Sholto.

“John.”  
“Sir.”  
Had he just called him John? Had he... waited for him to wake up?  
“How do you feel?”  
“Even more tired than the last time I tried to get some sleep.”  
Sholto gave him a sad smile.  
“The doctor told me you were in shock and there are small bruises, but otherwise you’re unharmed. I found you as I searched the barracks. As well as David Turner.” He paused. “I know you were close.”  
“Yes, we were.” John blinked away the tears.  
The major had never looked more insecure and sad.  
“I’ve been told that you’re free to leave the bed as soon as you feel strong enough. Your help will be needed.”  
“What about the rest of the base?”  
“It’s a miracle really. Your barrack section is the only one that has been destroyed almost completely. Otherwise there are only minor damages on the buildings around. We have lots of injuries but… only one person didn’t survive.”  
“Fate.” Whispered John.  
“War lords.” Corrected Sholto.  
John felt sorry for the major, who’d be made responsible for everything that happened. Again.  
As if he’d read John’s mind the older man gave another sad smile.  
“One death threat more won’t make any difference. We did our best. There’re situations no one can control.”  
“How did you find me? I don’t remember falling asleep?”  
“You lay next to Mr. Turner and hummed a lullaby. It was probably the shock.”  
John nodded. He imagined the scene and expected to feel embarrassment, but there was nothing. Humming had probably saved him from collapsing.  
“Your belongings that are still of use were brought to the tent camp that we built. If you need anything else let me know.”  
“I will. Thank you, Sir.”  
Sholto shook his head.  
“It’s James, please.”

Everyone who fell asleep in his arms while escaping ruins had permission to call him by his first name. But John didn’t need to know that.

♠

Helping was what he’d become a doctor for and he spent the whole day doing what he could.  
Brian’s laceration required stiches. He was quiet and didn’t quite dare to look the captain straight in the eyes.  
Before Brian left, he mumbled something and squeezed John’s biceps. It seemed that even shallow comrades felt the deep impact of those recent events. Obviously. And still… John hadn’t expected this amount of grief. Defeat was a common side effect of war after all.  
Everyone he spoke to was either heavily injured or commented on David’s death. John swore to himself he’d never mention David to anyone ever again. Ever.  
On every other day he’d loved his job. Today it felt like an endless series of flashbacks.  
One of the doctors in training noticed John’s emotional struggle.  
“Captain.”  
John looked up, rubbed his nose and sniffled.  
“I think we can manage now. You were in the middle of it all. Maybe take a break?”  
The young man gestured towards the exit.  
“Uh, yeah why not.” Came the shaky reply. Nothing mattered.  
John hurried to get away from the hospital and its atmosphere of death clinging to every surface. There was no schedule. Not when parts of their structure literally lay in ashes. Everyone merely tried to perform damage control.

It was already late evening. Almost eleven.  
John looked up.  
Not a single cloud blocked the stars. He made a wish, even though there were no shooting stars tonight. Dust crunched under his feet. Otherwise it was silent.  
The way to their temporary dwellings seemed so long. The guard on duty showed him a bed to use. John felt numb. There was a constant noise of bomb alarms in his head. Sleeping would be difficult to say the least.

After one hour of staring into the darkness John decided that it wasn’t going to work like this. He needed something else than hollow, dark emptiness right now.  
John stood and put on clothes and light shoes. Another perspective on the lack of light was needed. He thought of the dilated pupils in the dark. They hadn’t been dead. Quite the opposite.  
Maybe it was the exhaustion, but John knew that there was only one person who’d offered help. And he needed help. It felt like an itch under his skin which he couldn’t reach. Crawling out of it wasn’t an option.

♠

The door to Sholto’s room swung open easily. The major had asked him to come in immediately.  
John wasn’t surprised to find him reading the reports of yesterday’s events at his small desk, highly concentrated under a dim light.  
James looked up.  
“John.” He sounded genuinely surprised.  
“Si- James.”  
“What is it? How can I help you?” He put away the papers and stood. John was sure he looked even worse than imagined. The other man’s reaction told him.  
“I…” Why was he even here? John searched for words. This wasn’t the time for formal speech of any kind.  
He clenched his fist.  
“You told me if I needed anything I should just let you know.” John looked down.  
“I did.”  
“And…” The doctor’s breath came shaky. “I feel like the darkness is eating me alive. And… I just came here because” John gritted his teeth “in fact, every time I’ve been around you, darkness felt bearable.” He closed his eyes, internally wincing. “I needed you to know that.”  
Captain Watson felt tiny and expected a pang of the major’s rage inflaming his guilt. Wrong. Inappropriate. Rude.  
There was shifting and food steps. John smelled faint smoke and tea.  
He dared to open his eyes again as he was certain James stood in front of him.  
John’s voice was a mere whisper.  
“I’m sorry.”  
The eyes that watched him were wide and sad and soft.

Strong arms pulled him into an embrace. It felt like a cocoon out of rough fabric and muscles. He let it happen, too surprised to return it properly at first, to do anything other than being held really.  
Slowly he lifted both arms to embrace back. It was alright. It was permitted.  
He clung to James and James clung to him. They stood like that long enough for their breathing to align on the same level. James spoke close to his ear before they parted.  
“If you ever…you know… need someone to sing a lullaby to… Someone alive I mean.” He tried to wipe the tiny tears in the corner of his eyes in a nonchalant manner and smiled. “If you’d prefer to lie next to someone… warm. I suppose I can offer that at least.”

John let go. Relieve and happiness mixed with sadness. It was too much. He cried.

“I would like that very much, yes.” John laughed and sniffled. “Five last days in hell. They’ll be our best.”  
The fact that they both didn’t care about consequences made it easier. They were both bruised and tired.  
“Tomorrow we’ll visit the villages one last time. To say goodbye.”  
John thought of the locals. How many children were born during their stay. How many wounds he’d patched up. How many of them didn’t know a life without troops in front of their homes. He’d always been friendly and some of them called him John by now. He was the British doctor who smuggled biscuits in his pockets.  
As he looked up James had stopped in his motions and looked at him.  
“It’s been a while since your smile wasn’t sad.”  
John thought of the talent show night and heat crept up his spine and neck.  
Now it was Sholto’s turn to give an honest grin.  
“So this is happening?” He gestured between them.  
John searched his face for insecurities.  
“I- I don’t think there’s anything that speaks against it. You know, apart from you being my major and this place being an army base under attack.” He said, his voice full of sarcasm. “But since we established that it will be a lot easier to sleep for both of us, why not see it that way? We help each other.”  
The major nodded and grabbed his belt to put it on.  
“I’ll do my last round. Then I’ll come back to go to sleep… If you have any doubts, that’s your chance to leave.” He turned around and gestured towards John standing by the bed in the corner. “But I’m glad you came here and to be quite honest, I hope to find you in the same spot when I return.” His eyes were still soft.  
The door closed and John was left behind, listening to Sholto’s footsteps.  
He was determined to stay. After James’ reaction nothing could’ve changed his mind. It had all gone really smooth and quickly…  
If only there was a plan for situations like this. ‘First steps in your commander’s private room.’ Or ‘How to prevent awkwardness when sharing a bed with the unit’s major.”  
John thought of all dates, one night stands and relationships he’d ever had so far. Nothing compared to how he felt right now.  
Going to bed required losing layers of clothing. He braced himself.  
When he took off his jacket and trousers it didn’t feel strange at all. Getting (partly) naked in front of others was part of the life in the army. But taking off the shirt reminded him that this was different. It would be much more intimate.  
John was thankful for being alone. He winced as he lifted one arm.  
The scar.  
In moments like this he hated it. It looked ugly and was unpleasant to touch.  
Sholto had a huge scar on his face. John was certain he knew what looking in the mirror felt like. Yet he wanted to touch him again. Everywhere he’d be allowed to.  
There was only one way to find out if their injuries would destroy what John had hoped for: Confrontation.  
He pulled the shirt off and sat on the bed. It was slightly larger than the regular ones and there was a second blanket on top of the basic duvet. Thick, olive green wool.  
John lowered his nose to the fabric. Soap, musk and tea. James. He smiled and pulled at the hospital corners. It felt like a sin. The best he’d committed in a long time.  
Only in his boxers the young doctor crawled under the covers, making sure that his scared shoulder faced the door as he lay on his side. He swallowed. It was still the only way to find out how pleasant the presented image really was… John hated the insecurity oozing from the scar like a bad smell.

The mattress shifted as weight was put on it. John tensed. He’d been asleep! How had he been asleep so fast?  
Of course the other man noticed.  
“I’m sorry. Go back to sleep. I’m here now.”  
And he did.

 

“JOHN! John wake up! I’m begging you! It’s alright. Stop screaming.”  
John jerked awake from strong hands shaking him. It was dark. Only a small bedside lamp threw shadows on the wall. He needed a moment to focus.  
Over him floated Sholto’s shadowy face. His eyes wide in shock, staring down at him like he still wasn’t sure John was awake.  
John tried to speak with a hoarse voice: “There was an alarm… You- they. You’re alive.”  
“Yes. Yes, I’m here. I was here the whole time.” The major relaxed ever so slightly. “You started screaming and tried to get rid of the blanket. Was it… you had a nightmare.” Sholto let out a breath as he rolled on his back.  
John inched closer.  
“I thought you were dead.”  
There was a pause.  
“For now I’m not. C’mere. I can prove it.” Sholto patted his chest.  
Slowly John shifted so that he could rest his head on it. After finding the right spot there was a slow and steady heartbeat audible.  
“You did it again. You defeated the darkness.” Came John’s sleepy voice.  
James’ response was a feather light kiss on John’s temple.

But John didn’t care. He was already in another realm.

♠  
In the morning, the majority of the unit made their way to one of the first small villages. The locals were under the army’s protection. They provided help of different sorts. Mainly health care and prevention of new tribe wars. The benefits were there, leaving felt almost like betrayal, thought John.  
The major hadn’t come here as often, so he was eager to hear the latest news and how the village had experienced the attacks. It wasn’t close enough to be directly affected, but everyone had felt eruptions and seen the thick smoke. The village elder seemed more than relieved as the soldiers arrived in a large number with their major alive. He invited him to have some tea.  
John wanted to check on a baby he’d helped to deliver a while ago.  
It lay in its mother’s arms. Rosy and playing with the folds of her dress. John greeted her like an old friend. Always respectful, but never with more distance than necessary. His knowledge of their language was good enough to ask about the child’s health and growth.  
He was happy to hear about all the good progress. Something positive in this sad desert. He thought of James.  
“You’re laughing.” Said Aaina the young mother in Pashto. “And you aren’t laughing so bright because of my son’s weight.”  
“It’s been a pretty good day.”  
She shook her head.  
“I know that smile. That’s the one I tried to hide a long time to raise no suspicion.”  
John looked down.  
“I’m happy for you. You deserve it. If she can make you a smile like that, you should maybe grow old together. Your family will be happy too.”  
“Thank you. I’m not too sure about the last part, though…” He chewed on his bottom lip.  
Bloody hell! Was it really that obvious?  
“John! We’re leaving!” shouted someone.  
The doctor stood and caressed the baby’s tiny hand before saying goodbye to Aaina.

They visited three more villages.  
On their way back, John walked next to James for a while. He glanced at him.  
The sun had burned his skin in spots. There were freckles on cheeks and nose and a thick layer of sun cream covered his scar. The major noticed the captain’s stare and looked at him.  
“Looks like shit, right?” Asked the older man with a small twitch of his mouth.  
John didn’t even know how to respond to that.  
“No it doesn’t.” He said eventually.  
“Why are you so fascinated then?”  
“I was just wondering if it still hurts.”  
James looked into the distance as if the answer lay beyond the horizon.  
“The scar? Yes. Every time I move a face muscle.”  
John suppressed the urge to grab his hand.  
They marched in silence as the sun began to sink. The ocherous dust made the landscape glow otherworldly and it seemed like they were surrounded by a shining curtain.

♠  
Captain Watson knocked on his major’s door again that evening.  
In one move John closed the door and crowded James against the wall, who was caught off guard as he opened.  
“We haven’t even properly kissed yet.” Murmured the doctor into his skin.  
“Well technically…” the taller man lifted John’s chin. “I made the first step yesterday and kissed you.” Very slowly he lowered his head until his mouth was inches away from John’s.  
“You kissed me while I was asleep?” John grinned and his eyes focused on those lips. “Prince Charming.”  
Sholto answered with another kiss. Firm and tender at the same time he asked for permission to explore John’s mouth by stroking his jar.  
John escaped a sound of pleasure as his jar fell open and he returned the kiss. Additional to feeling heated and naughty like a teenager, he was achingly hard.  
Flushed and with sparkling eyes, James broke the kiss. He looked like a different person.  
“Could we maybe get rid of some clothes?”  
John enjoyed the polite yet needy tone way too much. He bit his lip and began to unbutton James’ shirt.  
“I want to know where you kissed me. No, don’t tell me. I’ll find out. ”  
“We should change locations for that.”  
“Oh?”  
They both threw away shoes and shirts. John turned to the bed.  
“You won’t need these to find out.” Came the major’s voice from behind him as he reached around John’s waist to unbutton his trousers.  
The doctor watched James’ hands doing their work and felt a new spark of anticipation tingle.  
As soon as they were gone, John was suddenly extremely aware of the other man lining up behind him, with his length pressed against his skin. All nerve ends were on fire.  
Suddenly Sholto seemed to be the one who enjoyed to tease.  
“If you stay there any longer I’ll come just from the thought of you naked.”  
He groaned as the same hands reached for the waistband of his pants. One wrist brushed over the thin blonde line of hair disappearing in red silk.  
The hands stilled.  
Fingertips made goosebumps flash on John’s skin as they followed upwards to stop at his navel.  
A kiss fluttered over the nape of his neck.  
“Better follow the trail to reach the treasure then.” John could feel the grin against his neck.  
“You better hurry before all the liquid gold is spent.”  
Sholto chuckled.  
As his major’s hand wrapped around his cock, it was almost more than John could bear.  
“Jesus Christ!”  
So they wouldn’t make it to the bed then.  
“God, John…” long fingers stroked his shaft, trying to memorize every vein as it seemed. “I had no idea you had such a fat tool down your pants.”  
John inhaled sharply.  
“I swear to God! You better stop being a dirty mouthed tease right now or I won’t last.”  
“We lasted long enough.”  
John leant against James for support.  
Pulling the pants down completely Sholto kept stroking in a steady rhythm. Wet noises from sweat and precome mixed with John’s quiet pleas and both men’s breathing.  
James pulled back the foreskin with each stroke while his other hand massaged the perineum. From the way John was rutting against him he clearly knew that the doctor was already close.  
John’s head fell back and his thighs started trembling as the pace quickened.  
He moaned into the sweaty crook of his major’s neck.  
“Let go.” Breathed James.  
He shook his head.  
“Come over my hands John. I want to feel that gorgeous prick pulse.”  
John obeyed and came with a long moan.  
Sholto wrapped the other arm around his chest to prevent him from falling.  
“That’s right. All of it, John. So gorgeous.”  
John eventually slumped down onto the bed. He felt empty in a good way for the first time since forever.  
As he looked up James had stepped out of his pants. He was still flushed and hard. Precome leaked from the tip of his cock.  
“You’re telling me that my penis is gorgeous, while you walk around with crimson, carved marble?” James laughed.  
“It’s all your fault.”  
“I wouldn’t say ‘fault’” The sight made him almost hard again. The doctor licked his lips.  
“Can I suck you?” He got to his knees in a swift motion. Judging by the look on his face, Sholto wasn’t used to that kind of sight or offer. He felt debauched.  
“I’d probably attempt to fuck your face.”  
“I’d let you.”  
With that said John swallowed his major’s cock.  
“Hnnnghhhhjohn…”  
John hummed around Sholto’s shaft. The vibrations felt good enough for Sholto to tangle his fingers in his lover’s hair.  
As he worked the underside of his shaft he could feel James pushing in the last bit and bottom out again enough for John to hollow his cheeks around the glans. With a ‘pop’ he let go to press soft lips against perineum and balls instead.  
James made a sobbing noise of approval.  
“I’ll swallow you again and you set the pace until you come down my throat.” It wasn’t a question.  
James got hold of his head, pulling just enough to send sensations down John’s spine.  
The tip hit the back of John’s throat once, before he managed to swallow. The contractions felt magnificent. Sholto was babbling as he started moving properly. Sliding in and out to take advantage of John offering his skills.  
After a few more pushes, the major tipped over the edge and John took his come.

 

John wiped his swollen lips and smiled at him.  
“I can’t believe you did that. You didn’t need to, you know.”  
The doctor stood to clean James’ hands and kiss him.  
“I enjoyed it a lot. Seeing my major come apart feels amazing.”  
“Prince Charming.”  
“Snow White needs her beauty sleep, but before that I’m dying to actually feel the kiss from yesterday night.” Said John taking him by the hand.

 

They lay side by side as James lent over to press a kiss to his temple.  
“Again, please.”  
The kiss was held a bit longer this time.  
Sholto let his nose trail down cheek and neck until he reached John’s shoulder.  
“Does it hurt?” came his muffled voice.  
John tensed and shifted.  
“Sometimes.”  
“I wish I could kiss it better.”  
The doctor rolled over to look at James.  
“Me too.” Carefully he brushed his lover’s angry red scar with one palm.

For a blissful moment both their worlds shrunk into the other man’s eyes.

But soon, worry flashed over John’s features.  
“You asked me today if I were referring to the scar, when I asked you if it hurt. What… what else hurts?”  
James hesitated. There was silence stretching between them.  
“I’m not only a doctor, I’m also your … I feel for you. You know that. If there are any other kind of aches I should know about, please tell me.”  
“I regret a lot of things.” James rubbed both hands over his face. “And that we haven’t gotten to this point earlier is what I regret most.”  
His fluttering lids showed his trouble to fight the emotions.  
John bit his lips and tried to find the right words.  
“If we’d gotten here earlier it would’ve been too risky. Imagine the rumours that were already there being actually facts and our constant fear of ruining each other’s careers and lives. I’m a romantic but not delusional. I fought my own feelings longer than I can remember. A quickie is one thing, accepting that you need more is something entirely different.”  
“I’m glad you knocked on my door.” James voice was still shaky and low.  
John reached for his hands.  
“This will be over soon. We’ll go home.” The doctor contemplated how to go on. “I know it’s all a bit early but, I feel like continuing what we started would improve our new life.” He searched the major’s face for signs of disapproval. “You’re important to me, you know. Very.”  
“John…” Out of nowhere James’ eyes were filled with tears. John sat up. Alarmed. “What you hope for, both of us, it can’t happen.  
“I don’t understand.”  
“I won’t return to London. I can’t.” James sat up as well, trying to speak slowly. “The death threats and the media’s knowledge make it impossible for me to go back. I’ll be put in a witness protection programme of sorts.” He gestured. “Bodyguards, new home, new life. Their conditions include that I break contact with my past.”  
“I still don’t understand.” Breathed John. ”We can get through that together. We’ve had worse, remember?”

James closed his eyes for a long, painful moment.

“If you stay in my life, you’ll be in danger. Again.” He took John’s hand. “I can’t let that happen. I need to know that you’re safe. Alive. That you get the chance to move on from all of it.”  
“There… there is nothing to move on to.” John looked down and watched his tears on both their hands.  
James tried to wipe his cheeks.  
“You’re young and talented and brave and kind and full of life. I know that!” James voice was strained. “You don’t deserve this. And that’s the one thing that hurts most. Believe me John. But you deserve better than me.”  
John stared at him. The look on Sholto’s face would haunt his dreams.

He got out of bed.  
“I better befriend the darkness then.”  
He put on his clothes.  
“No. No. Nonono. John don’t.” James jumped out of bed and held the door shut.  
“You’ll throw me out sooner or later. I’d rather go myself.”  
“Please stay.”  
“Step aside.”

♠  
John tried really hard not to sob as he walked. It felt so wrong and like the weakest reaction possible. Once again his tears slowed him down and annoyed him. He hoped that no one would notice him as he paced the base to reach his tent as soon as his feet allowed.  
Cold. Dark. Empty. The tent reflected how he felt.  
Searching for the sat phone he looked around.  
There was only one number left to dial.

“Yeah, hi Harry. Don’t worry I’m fine. I’m just calling to let you know that I’ll return Saturday night. I might drop by on Sunday to pick up some of my things. If that’s not possible send me a message via Skype, please. Um… see ya, I suppose. Bye.”  
♠  
The sunrise over their base looked spectacular, found John. Red melted into the night blue and blended with a halo of bright yellow. A light breeze tickled his face. The heat of the day wasn’t there yet. A chance to take deep breaths.  
He hadn’t slept at all. Inner peace had followed the hiccups from crying. And he’d stayed awake to fight the fear of change. Of uncertainty. Of pain. It felt like catharsis.  
Much later someone sat beside him.  
“We missed you at breakfast mate. You’re lucky that no one of rank seems to care right now.”  
Brian nudged him. John gave a weak smile as he examined his boots.  
“Sholto didn’t show up either by the way.”  
“He’s kinda busy right now, so…”  
“You quite like him don’t you?”  
“I’m not sure I know him that well…” John inhaled and grinned “But then I gave him a lap dance after all.”  
“I’ll tell my grandchildren ‘bout that!”  
“I know.” John laughed. “What’s the plan for today? I feel bad for asking but”  
“Packing everyone’s stuff and wiping any evidence of our existence.”  
♠  
John had spent his day packing and completing paper work. After their last meal in the evening he went to hand it in.  
One firm knock.  
“Come in.”  
He didn’t hesitate, placed the papers on the small table and stood in parade rest.  
“Sir. These are the reports on our last days and the status of the villages with the register numbers Alpha 1 to Alpha 4, including a sketched two month schedule. Corporal Milton has highlighted the most important changes according to our last meeting’s results. The ministry of defence will provide us with further material on the terrorists’ latest activities regarding their attempts to target this base. ”  
There was a pause in which John prayed that his strategy of ‘back to business” would safe him from another breakdown.  
“I appreciate your efforts Captain. You are dismissed.”  
The captain’s heart sank as he forced himself to look his major in the eyes. Dark circles, widened and … sad.  
He nodded and left.

 

John had no idea what to do, now that curling up in bed gave him chills of the bad sort. It probably wasn’t too late yet to join the doctors’ poker night. Tonight he would risk to throw it all in if given the chance.  
Fast steps behind him made his grim smile fade. For a second he expected David to call his name.  
He walked on, not in the mood for more shallow words. The walking pattern was as unique as the person it belonged to. Please God, not tonight. Not again. His inner soldier prepared to fight.  
“Captain!” Not giving in. “John Watson.” John winced and waited. He was so tired of these childish attempts to get rest. He might as well act reasonable for a change.  
“James.” Came his toneless reply as he watched the major rush towards him.  
“Is this how we continue from now on?” He sounded hurt and confused.  
“This is how I was trying to end it, in fact.”  
James looked pained.  
“What about ‘five more days, let them make our best?’ I can’t live with the knowledge that my honesty ruined everything.”  
“So you did the right thing and I was just too touchy about it?”  
“I’m just trying to tell you that I didn’t know parting from you would be an issue until you told me how I made the darkness bearable! And over the last days I realized that you are one of the people I need to protect! And I told myself to keep the truth from you just a bit longer so that you wouldn’t need to live with it one second longer than necessary! Because you are the best thing that happened to me in a long time. And my rusty skills in this area made it impossible for me to tell you that I have feelings for you too! That I’ve never felt for anyone what I feel for you right now. And that I hope you get the chance to feel that way for someone who can defeat the darkness once and for all.”

A wild mix of feelings showed on John’s face. Then he took James’ hand without another word and walked with him all the way back, until they reached the spot where it had all begun.

 

In complete silence John stripped off his clothes and started undressing his lover with the skilled, tender fingers of a surgeon. For a split second he smiled up to find the other man’s insecure smile.  
“Do- do you want to… Or is it just because-“  
But John had already lowered himself onto the bed, waiting for him to follow.  
James just stood and admired.  
“You are perfect. I wish we could capture this.” He gestured.  
“Where’s your camera then?”  
“John! I’d never-“  
“No. I mean it. I want to remember us this way, too.”  
James gave him another look before producing a small but expensive camera from one of the drawers.  
The younger man smiled encouragingly and draped one leg over his crotch before bracing on one elbow.  
“Have you never done anything like that before?” John wiggled his toes.  
“Mhm I never had the secret dream of plastering my walls with someone’s naked body, no.” James took a picture. “You’re the ultimate centerfold Captain.”  
“I'd love to take one of your ass Major.” John reached out for the camera.  
James narrowed his eyes.  
“Is that part of the examination doctor?”  
“Negative. I want to look at your backside and imagine to run my tongue over that crack.”  
Sholto gave him a sly look.  
“Why only imagine?”  
John licked his lips.  
“Why indeed?”  
James crawled on the bed and lay flat on his belly.  
A flash illuminated the room.  
“Perfect. That pic looks like lots of clicks on hotarmymen.com”  
The major chuckled into the pillow.  
John couldn’t resist any longer and pressed his lips to the spot right above the crack.  
James’ whole body shuddered in response.  
The soft skin smelled of soap. John licked one stripe starting below the lumbar vertebra, down to include the testicles in his treatment.  
“Ah I- I need to touch you.” Gasped the man beneath him.  
“Why don’t you roll over then?”  
James pulled him close and his nostrils flared under the heavy breathes of arousal. He aligned their cocks, which drew a moan from both of them.  
John leant down until his forehead rested against Sholto’s.  
“If this is the day to collect memories, I want to be as close to you as possible.”  
“I just thought the exact same thing.”

They exchanged an affirmative look.

Reaching into the bedside drawer, James produced vaseline.  
“Uh…I’m not prepared well, I’m afraid. No condoms. It’s been a while to be quite frank.”  
“It’s fine.” John nodded. “As close as possible is fine. And I’ve seen your medical record as well as mine.”  
The heat were their bodies touched seemed to grow with every breath.  
James looked John over and his gaze was glued to the goose bumps on John’s buttocks, rubbing against his thigh.  
The young soldier had a perfect apple bum, not nearly as tanned as the rest of his body. The muscles flexed as he moved up to lay on James’ chest who was suddenly rock hard again. John had noticed.  
“What do you want?”  
“You.”  
John bit his lip. “At your service.”  
“Can- May I finger you” James’ pupils were blown wide. “Captain?”  
John’s jaw gaped open. “I insist.”  
As the cool vaseline pressed against his entrance John’s first impulse was to press back for even more sensations.  
“Shhh easy. You’re tight.”  
Warmth welcomed one finger and fluttered around it.  
“Like that. Let me just” John started rocking and tried to relax.  
As a second finger teased the rim James’ eyebrows shot up.  
“Loosens up like… and you’re leaking already. You are amazing.”  
John gasped and shuddered looking at his precome.  
“That’s. Oh! That’s because I really, really want you.”  
“Your pucker is the wettest spot in this desert.” Growled the major and slicked his shaft in vaseline.  
“Your fault entirely.”  
“My fault, my mission.” James withdrew his fingers and gathered John in his arms to lay him down.  
How often had John thought about clinging to the broad shoulders that were now above him to form a human cage? John felt safe as he wrapped his legs around him. He pulled the man down into a kiss. Tongue, teeth and their groans.

 

“Fuck me. Make it your mission, now.”

James wrapped his hand around John’s cock and stroked it in time with his own slow push.  
His eyes shut.

“God John! I … This is.”  
“Yes!” The feeling of James’ accommodating his prick inch by inch. Yes to that. His hand teasing his foreskin. Oh god yes.  
The major took a moment to drink in the sight of their bodies being connected.  
John’s eyes were squeezed shut, while his body got used to the stretch that was very close to hurting.  
“You feel fucking devine. Oh God! Huge and perfect.”  
James kept stroking John’s cock and lowered himself so that his pelvis added more fiction to John’s balls as he started moving.  
Bottoming out enough to drag his glans over John’s prostate was the best decision. John arched off the bed and grabbed his shoulders.  
“That’s it. Never stop.”  
The young man’s eyes rolled back in his head as Sholto repeated the motion. Sholto let out a satisfied low chuckle.  
“That’s the sweet spot.”  
John started winding under his touch as James picked up the pace and worked his cock.  
“I didn’t know it would be possible for it to grow even more. Look at you. You’re already melting, yet your dick seeks more attention.”  
John let out a stream of high pitched whines, drawn out by the major’s steady thrusts.  
“I’ve never fucked anyone this hard in my life.”  
John threw his head back and came. Cramping down on James’ cock to positively suck in his seed as he followed.

 

John didn’t know how much time passed before they made it out of bed to clean up.  
But he knew that the feeling of James’ cum dribbling out of him, was like a reminder that this had happened. And the way his lover watched him was the prize for it all. The best combination of circumstances made the best feelings. For the first time John felt confident.  
They fell asleep like they had started- Close.

♠  
Heathrow greeted them with proper English weather.  
John picked up his bag, the bag that contained his life, and followed the asymmetric walking silhouette outside.  
They had spent the remaining time in silent bliss. Only murmured confessions. Nothing more, nothing less.  
A civil police car waited outside the airport.  
“This is it then.” Started John as James turned to step closer.  
James said nothing.  
He tried again “I already told you that I wouldn’t want to miss one second of what happened.”  
“And I already told you that I won’t forget any of it. Because I never felt so good before.”  
John’s heart ached again. “I wish we could have a last pint. Or a last tea. Anything really. I can’t believe this is necessary to keep us both alive.”  
“Me neither…”  
It all felt too weak for a last conversation. Too many tears had been spent. They were both calm.  
“I gave you my number, my mail address and my sister’s address. If you can, contact me…all right?”  
“I promise.”  
John smiled.  
“But John?” James lowered his voice and stepped closer. “Promise me to allow happiness okay? Allow yourself some light and moving on. I need to know that this is the end of your past and not your life.”  
“I promise.”  
They embraced. It felt like a cocoon out of rough fabric and muscles.  
♠  
As soon as John had entered the hotel room and closed the door, he searched for his laptop with a hammering heart.

One new e mail from Mjr James Sholto.

A video. Only a few seconds long.

With shaky hands John pressed start.

A close up of his face. As the camera zoomed out, John could see that he lay huddled against a chest.

The person the chest belonged to was filming and hummed a melody.  
The humming stopped. James' head appeared and a kiss was pressed to his temple.

“Sleep well.”


End file.
